we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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