Don't you send me to vm
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
