Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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