This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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