i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
