Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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