Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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