A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
