Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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