Do you still have your period?
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
