I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
