I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
