Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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