and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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