I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
