I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
We have started to decorate penises.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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