When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize