i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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