I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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