I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
