Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize