he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
