I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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