Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Watching her eat just hurts me
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
