angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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