i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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