So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
