Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
