Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
