sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
you had me at cake vodka
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
