I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize