I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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