he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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