Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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