I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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