Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
