I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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