i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
