I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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