I just threw up on my dentist
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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