ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
