Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize