Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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