Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
