If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
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