I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
