There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
