You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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