Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize