Can i not drive my cunt home
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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