hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
