im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
