Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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