loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
