I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
she peed on how many people?
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize