Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
