I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
