the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
